


shook, not stirred

by fir8008



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clubbing, Drunken Shenanigans, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Underage Drinking, and bitch drinks, rated for language, technically because the 2001 liners are in a club, there is a lot of overdramatic drunk crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 22:01:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13467453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: But no sooner has the bartender slid his skinny cosmopolitan across the bar into Daehwi’s outstretched hand does Euiwoong tap him on the shoulder and ask, “Hey, Daehwi, is that Dongho?”Daehwi’s jaw drops as his drink hits the floor.





	shook, not stirred

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SEpupppupp (ForNought)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForNought/gifts).



> Hello hello! So I honest to god banged out this fic in a couple hours because SEpupppupp showed me a meme of Daehwi being scared of Dongho and we had an extended conversation about the 2001 liners hiding from boyfriend Dongho in the club. And that's how this fic was born. But major thanks to her because this fic was created from bouncing ideas off each other hahaha. 
> 
> So obviously there's an alcohol content warning, and since it's the 2001 liners they'd technically be drinking underage, but this is just some fluff so it's not meant to be taken too seriously. (And I absolutely overuse the word "bitch" for a while)
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

All Daehwi wants is to go out and have a few drinks with his good friends, that’s all. He doesn’t think that’s much to ask for. He’s had a hard week and so now he just wants to let loose. So he gets all dolled up for a night out with his three best friends but no sooner has the bartender slid his skinny cosmopolitan across the bar into Daehwi’s outstretched hand does Euiwoong tap him on the shoulder and ask, “Hey, Daehwi, is that Dongho?” 

Daehwi’s jaw drops as his drink hits the floor and shatters. But thankfully he isn’t the only person whose drink hits the floor and shatters, Euiwoong is actually the only person who holds onto his drink, which is perhaps lucky because Euiwoong is the only one who stoically refuses to partake in the fun of ordering bitch drinks (as they are called by their disgruntled music TA, but Sungwoon also seems like the type of guy to disdain so-called bitch drinks and then get blackout drunk in a strip club on Christmas Eve, not that Daehwi would really know). 

And Euiwoong only refuses to partake in ordering bitch drinks because the last time he tried to order a bitch drink (red faced and stuttering, asking for a “screaming orgasm”) the bartender served it to him with his number written on a napkin and a wink. That had been an episode by itself involving lots of tears because Euiwoong had shot down Dongbin’s initial request to stay in because Dongbin did not study mixology and would therefore suck at whirring up bitch drinks. When Dongbin questioned why Euiwoong cared anyway because Euiwoong didn’t even drink bitch drinks because his delicate male ego prevented him from ordering them, Euiwoong had declared of course Dongbin could easily order a bitch drink because Dongbin was a bitch. This had led to Dongbin weeping and the necessity of Daehwi giving Euiwoong a stern talking to, because Euiwoong was in fact a hypocritical bitch. 

To an outsider, it would appear they were all hardened bar hoppers given the ease with which they would verbally abuse each other over alcoholic beverages, but the appearance of Daehwi’s boyfriend has them all crouching underneath their barstools among broken glass, maraschino cherries, and the sticky remnants of their fallen bitch drinks and Daehwi has angled himself behind the bar so he can spy on Dongho from relative safety. A disgruntled staff member has come around with a dustpan and broom to sweep up the mess while Dongho leans over the bar with his phone showing a different bartender extremely unflattering and unpretty pictures of Daehwi and Daehwi could spit teeth how could his boyfriend do that to him and not show off only the most carefully primed pictures of him? Unsurprisingly, the bartender doesn’t recognize him and Dongho sighs. Daehwi is so disgruntled that he texts his friends that he doesn’t know where Dongho even got such ugly pictures of him. 

Daehwi knew Dongho was looking for him because Dongho believed that Daehwi was a very irresponsible drunk - untrue! - and that he wanted to try to head off Daehwi inevitably calling him drunk to whine about something or another. So for Dongho, preventing Daehwi from having a good time meant Dongho’s life would be easier. But Daehwi was a party boy before he even met Dongho and landed himself a handsome, older, responsible boyfriend, and well you can take the boy out of the party but you can’t take party out of the boy. 

And when Dongho glances down towards the floor and makes direct eye contact with Dongbin, and scoffs, that’s when Daehwi books it to the bathroom to hide. 

 

Euiwoong has faced many trials in his life, including but not limited to advanced placement calculus, working three jobs, and being friends part time with Ahn Hyungseob, but this really took the cake for the most difficult thing he’s had to endure. Because while Euiwoong is trying to think of an explanation as to why he, Dongbin, and Guanlin are crouched underneath barstools, why Euiwoong is holding a beer, and where is Daehwi, Lai Guanlin is doing nothing of a sort because he’s trying to keep Dongbin from bursting into tears. Worse still, Daehwi is calling him from the men’s toilet asking for a status update on Dongho’s movements. 

“Just crawl through the window and escape,” Euiwoong suggests. 

“There’s no windows!” Daehwi shrieks. 

Well, Euiwoong decides that Daehwi is well and truly fucked because their bartender has finally gotten a look at Dongho’s ugly Daehwi pictures and says that yes, he was there and Dongho was on the move. How was Euiwoong going to think himself out of this? 

“Can’t Guanlin go distract him?” Dongbin wails. “They had that positive interaction that one time!” 

“No!” Guanlin yelps. 

Euiwoong knows this means that once Guanlin complimented Dongho’s shirt one time and no one cried or shat their pants as a result of making direct eye contact with Kang Dongho. Guanlin heartily disagrees with the idea of being put up as bait because when Dongho begins to walk towards them, Guanlin shoves Dongbin into Dongho’s chest and then legs it out of there. Euiwoong’s jaw drops at the utter betrayal and then at the fact that when Dongbin collides with Dongho he immediately bursts into tears. 

Dongbin crying seems to be a successful method to distract Dongho because Dongho is trying to get information out of Dongbin and is solely focusing on him and Euiwoong begins to consider how to punish Guanlin for his callous betrayal. Dongbin is snotting in earnest down the front of Dongho’s shirt but when he does manage to speak, Euiwoong can’t help but slam his head onto the bar. 

“Where’s Daehwi?” Dongho asks. 

“He fell into a toilet!” Dongbin bawls. “He fell into the toilet and didn’t come out!” 

“He fell into a toilet?” Dongho actually sounds concerned. 

“He drowned!” Dongbin adds. 

“Okay, okay, let’s go,” Dongho grabs Dongbin by the arm and starts towing him towards the bathroom. The bathroom. Where Daehwi has taken shelter. The bathroom without windows to escape out of. Euiwoong almost drops his phone trying to call Daehwi to warn him. 

 

Guanlin has made a mistake. 

Guanlin only feels marginally bad for sacrificing Dongbin to the wrath of Dongho, but fair is fair because Dongbin wanted to sacrifice Guanlin first. Guanlin had escaped to the bathroom with every intention to climb out the window and escape to safety, only to find Daehwi still inside, on the phone with Euiwoong, and a total lack of windows. 

“What do you mean Dongho is coming in here?” Daehwi shrieks as he locks himself into a stall. 

Guanlin is not prepared but when Dongho walks into the bathroom pulling a weeping Dongbin by the arm, Guanlin’s instincts kick in. 

“Hyung!” he yells, voice cracking awkwardly. “What did you do to Dongbin?” 

Dongho gets flustered immediately, as though he just realized he’s been dragging a weeping rag doll disguised as a boy around with him. 

“You made Dongbin cry!” Guanlin yells, even louder. 

“I did not!” Dongho protests but Dongbin begins to wail in earnest so Guanlin pulls Dongbin free and immediately cradles him to his chest. 

“I can’t believe you made Dongbin cry! What would Daehwi say?” Guanlin is still yelling, which is the key here, because while Dongho is trying to formulate words, Daehwi is crawling out from under the stall and booking it out of the bathroom. 

Now Guanlin is trapped in the toilet with a crying Dongbin facing down Dongho. Another mistake.

 

Daehwi escapes the bathroom narrowly with his life only to bump directly into Euiwoong, who is bizarrely trying to get inside of the bathroom. Daehwi can’t understand this. It’s getaway time, what is Euiwoong doing? 

“They’re in trouble!” Euiwoong says, trying to push Daehwi backwards. “We have to save them!”

How could Daehwi forget that Euiwoong believed in no man left behind when they went out so while Euiwoong barrels into the bathroom to try to save Guanlin and Dongbin, Daehwi returns to the bar for another skinny cosmopolitan because his nerves are shot and he deserves it. He downs it in one go as soon as the glass touches his hands and it emboldens him enough to go peek back into the bathroom.

Euiwoong is standing between Dongho and Guanlin and Dongbin and trying to mediate the situation. Guanlin is waving his noodle arm and pointing at Dongho, accusing him of making Dongbin cry. Daehwi huffs because his Dongho would never do such a thing because Dongho was a teddy bear. But then Dongho explains that Dongbin told him that Daehwi had fallen into a toilet and he just wanted Dongbin to show him which toilet he needed to fish Daehwi out of. Euiwoong puts on a blank face and says that Daehwi didn’t even come out with them that night and they only wanted to leave the bathroom but Dongho wasn’t letting them. 

“I know he’s here,” Dongho sighs. “Even if he did fall into a toilet.” 

Daehwi abandons the bathroom door, suddenly in need of another drink. 

 

Dongbin just wanted to stay home. 

This happened every single time any of them wanted to go out. Dongbin would suggest staying home in pajamas and putting the blender that Guanlin’s parents sent from Taiwan to good use, making homemade bitch drinks and having a movie marathon, but no one wanted to listen to Dongbin ever, so here they were again, stranded in the men’s toilet with Kang Dongho and Dongbin was crying as usual. 

“Daehwi,” Euiwoong says calmly, “if that is his real name, isn’t here. He’s probably at home. Having a bubble bath and reading a book. He’s certainly not here getting drunk. And we’d all love to go home and get not drunk too.” 

Dongbin thinks Daehwi is definitely at the bar drinking neat whiskey at this point and is probably better off doing what Dongbin said he did, because Daehwi might luck out and flush himself into the Ministry of Magic or something. 

Dongho glares at them, zeroing in on Dongbin and Dongbin is on the verge of tears (luckily not on the verge of pissing his pants) and after what feels like an eternity, he steps aside and lets them file out of the bathroom. 

When they get out, Dongbin sees Daehwi immediately hit the floor and they join him where he’s sheltered in place under his barstool. Euiwoong is on the phone and announces he is calling for a cab home and Guanlin’s hand lands in his hair and he tells Dongbin he was very brave for withstanding the force of Dongho’s gaze. Guanlin and Dongbin shuffle in front of Daehwi as Dongho strides past them and leaves as they let out a huge sigh of relief. Guanlin helps Daehwi, who is pouty and tipsy and holding onto another cosmopolitan, to his feet while Euiwoong pats Dongbin on the back and tells him though his methods were questionable, telling Dongho that Daehwi fell in a toilet was ultimately a successful decoy. 

Dongbin plucks Daehwi’s drink from his hands and downs it, because he arguably needs it a lot more, and Daehwi is about to cry out when Guanlin covers his mouth. “He could still be out there!” he hisses. 

“The cab is here!” Euiwoong announces as he hustles them all out of the club and into the backseat. “Driver, please step on it!”

The driver glares at Euiwoong as he buckles his seatbelt. “Where am I going?” 

Euiwoong’s face turns red as he gives him the address and slumps into the passenger seat. 

They made it out alive. 

 

This is not Daehwi’s fault. 

Daehwi sniffles and glares at his compatriots. Clearly, this evening’s fiery demise was Dongbin’s fault because Dongbin was crying so much. Daehwi narrows his eyes. Obviously these tears were the sign of a guilty conscience and on top of that, Dongbin stole his drink. Dongbin didn’t even need to steal his drink. Dongbin hoarded Costco margarita mix in the back of their pantry. 

Daehwi glances at Euiwoong’s relaxed posture in the passenger seat. This might be Dongbin’s fault, but Euiwoong was certainly the mastermind behind it. Euiwoong didn’t want to abandon the weak and escape with Daehwi when they had the chance and now Euiwoong was showing a disturbing lack of emotion at their predicament. 

Guanlin was clearly his only good friend, because Guanlin yelled at Dongho and rescued Dongbin in the bathroom and laid the groundwork for Daehwi’s escape that Euiwoong ruined by wanting to rescue their other friends. 

Daehwi links arms with Guanlin and huffs. “I see that only Guanlin cares about me,” he says. “You two were just trying to ruin my night.”

Euiwoong whips around in the passenger seat. “Guanlin is a weak bitch. He tried to escape on his own and only rescued you because he happened to be in the right place at the right time.”

“Guanlin shoved me into Dongho and left me for dead,” Dongbin adds. 

Daehwi recoils from Guanlin immediately. He would have never suspected Guanlin were that cold and heartless to sacrifice Dongbin to Dongho. Daehwi is at a loss. Not only did they force him to sit in the middle of the backseat on the uncomfortable hump - Dongbin and Guanlin saying some nonsense about the length of their legs - but now Daehwi realizes he is surrounded by those who don’t love him. On one side of him is a murderer and on the other is one of two chronic party-poopers. Daehwi is alone and bursts into tears. 

Daehwi is sobbing, but no one is petting him and telling him things will be okay, so Daehwi twists in his seat to pull out his phone. He knows who to call when he’s in sore need of sympathy. 

“Dongho hyung…” Daehwi wails. “Dongho hyung…” 

“Where are you?” Dongho yells. “Do you know how worried I’ve been?” 

“Daehwi is sowwy!” Daehwi sobs. 

“I went looking for you but your friends said you weren’t with you! One of them even told me you drowned in a toilet!” 

“I did not drown in a toilet!” Daehwi sniffles loudly. “I’m too classy to die that way! Dongho hyung, please rescue me I’ve been taken captive by a bunch of criminals!” 

“What!?” 

“Daehwi is sowwy! Daehwi is with a bunch of people who want to ruin his fun!” Daehwi squirms in his seat. “Let me out of this cab! I’m going to Dongho hyung’s place!” 

“We’re speeding down a highway, sit your ass down!” Euiwoong barks. 

Daehwi hangs up so he can cry to his friends more effectively but they ignore him until they get out of the cab and Guanlin attempts to murder him again by tripping him on the way out of the cab and Daehwi topples over onto Dongbin who lands in a puddle and starts crying again. Euiwoong heaves them both up and shoves them inside and Daehwi stumbles off to his room while Dongbin stands in the foyer bawling for someone to bring him pajamas and from the sounds of it, Euiwoong has dove into the fridge looking for any leftover beer from a party. Guanlin’s murderous noodle arm lands around Daehwi’s shoulders. 

“You should get to bed,” he suggests. 

“You’ll all be in so much trouble when Dongho hyung comes to rescue me!” Daehwi yells as Guanlin steers him towards his room. “So much trouble!” 

Dongbin comes trailing in after Guanlin and goes to Daehwi’s closet to pull out pajamas. 

“Don’t even look at my pajamas!” Daehwi screeches when he sees what Dongbin is doing. “Don’t touch my pajamas!” 

And then Guanlin has his pillow and his pillow meets Daehwi’s face. 

 

Euiwoong has faced many trials in his life, including but not limited to, being class president, tutoring part time, and being friends full time with Lee Daehwi. But beer makes everything better as Euiwoong finds their one last can of Hite and upends it into his mouth.

“Euiwoong!” Dongbin comes running and sniveling. “Guanlin’s trying to smother Daehwi!” 

Euiwoong is suddenly unsteady on his feet, but he manages to charge into Daehwi’s room, only to find Dongbin has miscommunicated the situation because Daehwi is clearly smothering Guanlin, but Euiwoong manages to use his drunk strength to haul Daehwi off of Guanlin. When Guanlin rolls off the bed to safety, Euiwoong manages to wrestle Daehwi back onto the bed and sits on him. 

“Get off of me!” Daehwi screams. “Get off of me or so help me I’ll throw up all over you! I’ll throw up! I swear I’ll throw up!” 

“You need to calm down!” Euiwoong yells. “If you don’t calm down, I’ll crush you!” 

Daehwi is crying but he eventually stills, snuffling about how Dongho is going to teach them all a lesson in gosh darn respect. Euiwoong is about to breathe a huge sigh of relief when Dongbin strolls in. 

“I told you not to look at my pajamas!” Daehwi shrieks and jerks so violently he nearly throws Euiwoong off him. 

“Calm down!” 

But Daehwi is beyond calm as he thrashes and makes loud retching noises. “Dongbin, go hide!” Euiwoong yells and Dongbin hightails it out of the room. “Guanlin! Call Dongho, ask him how we calm him down!” 

Guanlin shakes his head. “I don’t want to!” But Guanlin, being a smart kid, dials Dongho’s number and carefully holds the phone beside Daehwi’s face. 

“Hello?” Dongho’s voice turns off Daehwi’s violence but redoubles the tears. 

“Hyung, I’m being bullied by my roommates,” Daehwi weeps. “Hyung, come save me!” 

“I can’t right now. Just take some deep breaths and go to bed.” 

“I can’t take deep breaths,” Daehwi snivels. “Euiwoong’s sitting on me.” 

“Please give Euiwoong the phone.” 

Guanlin lifts the phone to Euiwoong’s ear. “Get off of Daehwi.” And Euiwoong immediately hops off. “Please get him a glass of water,” Dongho adds and Euiwoong scurries off to get one. 

Daehwi crawls under his covers as Euiwoong returns with the water and Daehwi drinks it and sulks. 

“Good night, Daehwi,” Guanlin says as he and Euiwoong slip out of the room as they breathe out a huge sigh of relief. 

No one died. It was a successful night.

**Author's Note:**

> you can come follow me on Twitter @jy_kim8008 and keep up with what other things I'm attempting to write


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